Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Confusion

Where to begin?
What if i told you i was starting to like alton? what if i toldyou i couldnt go a day with out seeing quinton but i know its pointless? what if i told you that i could never truly get over quinton though i have to? what if i told you that i told tyler i liked him? what if i told you tyler said he might like karin? ...well it all happened. nuff said.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The less and the more

Where to Begin?

So less: BOBBY ASKED ME OUT SATURDAY NIGHT OVER AIM!!!!! i was youre my brothers friend and i went out w/mike. wicked creepy..i get the feeling hes just gonna stop talking to me...oh well i suppose. ive talked to alton almost all day every day this weekend, i suppose its cool as long as we maintain the friends thing. im happy now, i have balance in my life and my confidence has recovered from that huge blow it took earlier almost completely now. im happy , thats all that matters.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The fine line

Where to begin?

THREE TIMES. THREE TIMES THIS WEEK HAS SOMEOBODY TOLD ME THAT IM 'NOT ALLOWED TO LIKE SOMEBODY' me: i talked to alton kenney. sean: youre not allowed to like him..even though nobody said i did! me: i talked to casey kajdan. dana: you CANT like him again..when did i say i did?? me: devin perdue is kinda cute. karin and sean: dont even go there you cant like him. There is a big difference between warning me that its a bad idea and ordering me around. you cant tell me what i can and cant not just some rag doll you can toss around. I have thoughts and feelings and i can make my own decisions. sean had good intentions in telling me that alton was a dousche bag. fine but he coulda just said 'i wouldnt if i were you' instead of ordering me around. but dana....her only reasoning was 'nope my best friend likes him so you cant. i wont let you.' thast ridiculous...even if she had said 'well my best friend really likes liking him might start some drama' i woulda respected her a bit more not much but a little bit more. i just...urgh theres a fine line between looking out for me and telling me what to do. you cant tell me how to feel!!! its frustrating.

The Seniors

Where to begin?

WELL! one of mikes best friends bobby decided to tell me he likes me last night and has ever since i started going out with honestly made me sick to my stomach because nicole started likeing mike as soon as me and mike started going out. How terrible is it that you start liking your best friends bf/gf as soon as they start going out with them??!! i cant believe it! so i told him that....hes just...well hes really not my type we'll just leave it at that....but then theres Alton. All id heard about him was that he was a dousche (sp?) bag and a big one at that. But the first day of track i figured that I dont want to hate anyone on the team so i decided id become his friend. The first time he said something doushey i smacked him. I think that made all the difference. because that night i imed him on facebook saying 'alton is a panzy' as a joke and then we ended up talking for a while about my lack of confidence and was nice. then he missed the tuesday wednesday and thursday of track so i saw him n i guess we kinda flirted a little. but hey im a flirt i cant help it. And its good that hes friends with Q. so they were running and said 'we're gonna run right through melanie; and they almost knocked me over it was funny. then after track i was talking to alton and then all of a sudden Q came over and started talking to me too. So occasionally i hit alton when he said something stupid but he said 'not gonna lie i kinda like it that ur violent' so i just kind of laughed and said 'ur gonna marry an ax murderer' but i think there was a bit more too it....altons a wicked cool guy but i dont want him to think that i really like him or hes fun to flirt w/ but i dont want to lead him on or anything. then Q decided to call me mini karin...normally id hate that but i didnt cuz he liikes its a good thing i suppose [:. He pushed me but hes really boney so he left red marks so i was flirting with him and like playfully hitting him ...not like w/alton but i was like 'YOU CANT HIT A GIRL NOW APOLOGIZE!!" and he said that im never gonna get an apology so i smacked him. that night i was talking to alton n he totally opened up to me...i suppose it wasnt THAT weird but it was defenitely strange. he said 'i feel like i can trust you' because hes having a lot of family issues that i will not say because well..he trusts me not to tell anyone but its SCREWED up. so i told him id be there for him. i hope that him confiding in me is a step toward us being really good friends as opposed to anything relationship oriented. because hes wicked cool and yeah..i could see myself with alton honestly but hes not the one i want..thats Q. Hes a senior..too much of an age difference. And according to sean im 'not allowed' to like him....but thats another post. idk. these seniors are driving me insane!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The reason i cried at lunch

Where to begin?

Well its karin. {period} and nicole {period again} why do i care so much that Q likes karin? how do i even know she does? but at the same time why would karin lie about him saying he liked her? well theres the answer: karins a terrible and evil person. and i just am so so afraid that karin can easily make anyone like her better than me....i just didnt know who my real friends are. there was nobody to stand up and say that theyd pick me over anyone...i didnt have a bestfriend and its the worst feeling in the world. i hope you never have to know it. ANYWAYS today....woah. according to dana she askd holly and her and Q ARENT going out woot woot!! [: i hope its true. but we were getting into groups for track and as soon as i said something different from Q he looks over to me and says 'YES im not in YOUR group' so i was like 'umm..thanks Q?' idk whats up w/him. hes soooo cute though. later karin kicked me in the friggon leg 'by accident'...but like seroiusly you could see i was right there ...i hate her there is a GASH in my leg now XP so then i was just sittin there so dana and serena came over and sat w/me so i said 'serena whats wrong' and she said that her back hurt. so then i said 'i gotta go i think my rides here' so i walk a little bit away and dana *whispers* loudly : ok so tell me whats really its like...seriously wth?? do you honestly think that youre so much better friends with her and so much better than me that only you can know whats wrong with her? is it really that big of a deal that I cant hear? is this all some kind of joke? it was like she was rubbing it in my face that serena would pick dana over me and visa versa. so she came over and was like 'melanie im sorry' but there was something in her voice that was almost...nagging? ..whining? idk but it was one of those 'o come on like you didnt see this coming IM her better friend so of course shes gonna tell me more..dont be mad at me for that' so i said 'no im done just go away' cuz im done w/all her drama...its aaalllll about dana 100% of the time. she askd me why i was so in love w/kevin camidge so i started to tell her my story which i LOVE telling, because i will always love kevin. but thtas a story for another day. but anyway she ended up interrupting me half way through and went into this story about Xavier. like...why ask ?? urgh w/e. i really just dont want all the dramma in my life. and if it means letting go of some drama providers than fine, i dont care. i know that sounds so cold especially near the holidays but i need to be happy again if im gonna stay in enfield...if i cant be happy then im moving and i dont want to. so i gotta try hard to stay here. and i intend to. so anyway when i got hoome it was the first day in weeks that i got on the laptop first before karin. so randomly she starts crying..literally when moom walks in n shes like 'EVERYOONE ON THE TRACK TEAM HATES ME MELANIE TOLD THEM ALL THAT I BEAT HER UP SO THEY THINK IM SOME KIND OF BRAT I HATE HER!' and im like '...youre kidding me riight? ur serious right now/? youre crazy..i told dana n serena ..maybe holly n garett about what a jerk you are to me sometimes but its not like i got the whole track team in a circle n showed them battle wounds...' but of course once again my mom said 'i know you well enough mel, its not nice to go and tell abselute strangers lies about your sister' so of course...karin lies and my mom buys it....its ridiculous. so my mom says 'get off the laptop, karin you can go on' and so im like 'YOURE FREEKON SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? WOW....YOU ALWAYS SIDE WITH HER!" and i went upstairs... its friggon ridiculous!!! but w/e cant change the past...cant change my mom. oh well. every other weekend WITHOUT my dad...yipee!

Friday, December 11, 2009

The..umm idk

ok so its the second time im writing because i really need to clear my head. I hate mike. Thats the only thing i can do because he cant interfere with my life its workin pretty well i suppose. But im not liking track....i guess im fast enough but its karins personal little social hour which is reeeeeeaaallllyy bugging me. she takes nothing seriously. shes only interested in flirting with guys..her excuse is: i dont get along with seriously? its a sport so take it seriously.

The Insecurities

Where to Begin?

Well, i just dont know. WHY do I fall so hard and so fast for guys i dont even know? Tyler was a 24-hour head over heels type thing. But Quinton...i dont even know when it happened. But all I know is i wanted to be in his group and i was rigging the odds so we could be together (to bad sully switched me out for no reason ]:<) But he was karin's friend. SO apparently he texted Karin and told him he liked thats really depressing because once again, anyone would pick karin over me. And according to my sources SHE likes HIM too. wow. So now he will forever be my sisters (ex) bf. and its just a childish crush for me to like having a crush on the jonas brothers or something...never going to happen. And what's the use in fighting for him if karin already won? boy likes girl girl likes boy end of story. Why would he want a stupid little freshman imitation when he could have the sophomore original version. He's just so cute and i can't get him off my mind which is foolish because ive barely had a conversation with him. And yet i feel my stomach fluttering when he elbows me n flirts over stupid stuff. I find myself secretly smiling when karin asks him to the dance as a joke and jokingly he says 'no but ill go with your sister'...since when do i like him more than tyler? I have GOT to stop going from guy to guy like this its just not right. Why do i keep falling for guys I hardly know? if i believed in love in first sight I dont anymore...because it would be love at first sight..and then again with another guy at a different time. WHEN did i start liking Quinton???

Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Reason Life Isn't Fair

Where To Begin?

Yes, She's my best friend in the entire world. I would do anything for her but this just. isn't. fair. The first guy i cried over (mack) wanted nothing to do with me ever again however he ended up going out with MY BEST. FRIEND. But it hurts me so much ..its like a knife through my heart to hear Tyler say that he thinks shes 'verry attractive'. so what do i do? tell him that shes cool and try to hook them up even though i KNOW she would never do that to me? get over him and move on like i did with mack? It hurts. It really, truly hurts.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Song That Represents My Life 85% of The Time

Where To Begin?

The teen drama that mucks up every teenager's life is normally caused by the opposite sex. We all know those nights where your boyfriend and you just got in a big fight or broke up and now you cant stop the uncontrollable tears from falling steadily. Why is it ironic taht at these times we listen to sad songs? Maybe its because we can relate and like to know that we are not alone. Maybe it's because we like to know that everything could be a lot worse. What ever the reason this song is my medicine.


My tears run down like razor blades
and no im not the one to blame its you...or is it me?
and all the words we never say
come out and now we're all ashamed

and there's no sense in playing games
when you've done all you can do
but now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
we had the chance to make it
now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
and throw away the life I led
but I won't let it die, but I won't let it die
but now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
we had the chance to make it
now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart

don't tell me that we will never be together
we could be, over and over
we could be, forever
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
don't say this won't last forever

You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart

Don't tell me that we will never be together
we could be, over and over
we could be, forever
It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
unless you let it break you

It's not over.

The Kiss I Missed

Where to Begin?

Mikol, Mikol, Mikol.  What are we going to do with you? We've been broken up for quite some time now. So common sense, you dont kiss your ex unless you're getting back together with them. So why oh why did you lean in to kiss me...i only hugged you, you silly boy you. As I thought about it later looking to discover some hidden feelings that i wanted it to happen i was pleasantly surprised that the only thought that came to my mind when i thought of hidden feelings was him. So this is for real. and he is the only one i want. <3

Quote: I'd Rather Die Than Be With Anyone But You
~Bella Swan...New Mooon

The Basic Information

Where to begin?

I suppose I should start at the firs time i saw him. It was just another lame school function. But the sight of my good friend was sure to make it better. That's when i noticed him standing next to her. I never expected that I would fall so hard for him so fast. By 8:00 I knew that I was gonna fall for this boy, and fall hard. So I knew I'd have to try to go after him. But after about a week Danners told him about my childish, and teenage crush. and ever since then he hasnt been too keen to talk to me. Im not sure why I like him so much, but I do. He's the first guy I know who's into the same kind of music I am (i.e. All Time Low, Mayday Parade, Boys Like Girls) Not to mention hes cute as a button. There's something about him that just ...draws me in (mind my cliche) Even if we could never be more than friends, Im not sure that i could give up his friendship even though i met him jsut a little while ago. After realizing that we would never amount to anything..i was unsure of myself. I decided that if i just gave up on him and let him go (a clean break if you will) then everything would go back to normal. But a day of avoiding the urge to take a glance at him was harder than i could have ever imagined. I tried getting mad at him but that didn't work so I avoided him. But this was a totally agonizing day. So in the end, there is no way I can possibly give up on him.

Quote: Never give up on someon you cant go a day with out thinking about